It’s not all fun and games here at GrumbleButt Manor. We have a crackerjack team of highly skilled Gayologists working 24/7 to solve the issues that threaten the republic. I am pleased to announce that we have resolved the seemingly intractable Big Gay Wedding Cake Conundrum.
The simplicity of it speaks to the elegance of its logic. It works like this. I go into a bakery. I look through the cakes that they have to offer and select one in my price range. Then I select it and pay for it. See, the trick is that the bakery really has no reason to know who I am marrying. They aren’t going to write “Happy Big Gay Wedding” on the cake. I really haven’t seen any wedding cakes that prominently feature writing of any kind.
You are probably saying to yourself, “That is brilliant, GrumbleButt. But what about the figures on top? Won’t that give it away?” Ahhh, it would seem that would be the diabolical wrinkle in an otherwise perfect plan. We have resolved it with two words…SOLD SEPARATELY. Yep, sold separately. If the bakery doesn’t want to sell big gay wedding cake toppers, then they simply don’t stock them. I’m sure this one detail can be resolved easily by the couple in question, be they gay or straight. I can even see where this could create jobs and retail opportunities for cutting edge entrepreneurs. Free market, bitches.
As for us, we have already made our wedding cake and wedding cake topper decisions. We are keeping it simple. We are just going to have the most delicious coconut cake we can find, and use action figures for our topper. Xena and Gabrielle are good candidates. Captain Janeway and Seven of Nine might be interesting. Maybe Starbuck and Six. I would use Yoda to represent me, but I hate to give ammo to the haters who seem obsessed with bestiality. If that doesn’t feel right, our back-up plan is to use Lego people. Because we are EXTRA classy lesbians. You can tell because I spelled classy without any Ks.
So there you have it. Our Gayologists have solved the nation’s most pressing problem in 375 words (or so). You’re welcome, America.
Next we will be going to work on this whole Iran-wants-a-nuke thingy. That might take more than 375 words.
Peace and Love, Yall