The Zombie Birthers Just Won’t Die And They Are Trying To Eat My Brain

These birthers just won’t die.  There can only be one excuse for not dying when you should be dead,  you’re a zombie.  Clearly that’s the fate of the once known Birthers, forever declared Zombie Birthers here at GrumbleButt.  The president has released his birth certificate. It checks out. Yet for some reason this conspiracy theory just won’t die.

In Alabama, a fellow named Alfred E. Hendershot has filed a lawsuit to keep Obama off the Alabama primary ballot based on the “staggering” amount of “evidence” he has that Barack Obama is using a forged birth certificate, a fraudulent social security number, and is not a natural-born citizen.  In Georgia, two lawsuits have been filed. State Representative Mark Hatfield is representing a group of voters who wish to keep Obama off the state primary ballot because his father was foreign-born.  State Representative Mark Hatfield doesn’t seem to mind Mitt Romney being on the Georgia primary ballot,  despite the fact that Romney’s father, George Romney, was born in Mexico.  The second has been brought by a group representing notorious Zombie Birther Orly Tate and is challenging the authenticity of Obama’s birth certificate.  The judge in the second case, Michael Malihi, has actually ordered Obama to appear in court.  Really.

It seems very important to the Zombie Birthers that we all understand that their concern is not based in racism, but patriotism for their country.  Never mind that they don’t ask these questions of the GOP candidates for the presidency.  John McCain was born in Panama.  The GOP was so concerned that the Democrats would use that fact to attack McCain, they passed a law giving children born on military bases in foreign countries the same rights as citizens born in the United States.  Maybe this is where the original idea to attack Obama’s citizenship came from, their own paranoid machinations.

As I have already mentioned, Mitt Romney’s father was born in a mormon colony in Mexico.  The mormons had colonized there to escape the polygamy laws that the United States had forced on Utah as the price of admission for statehood.  George Romney didn’t move to the United States until he was five years old.  God knows what kind of indoctrination was imposed on him before he landed in the patriotic bosom of his adopted country.  I’m being facecious, of course.

And then there’s Newt Gingrich.  If that’s even his real name. Newt was actually born Newton LeRoy McPherson.  I haven’t been able to find any information about this McPherson character that fathered Newt.  Newt has completely wiped all but his last name from his personal history.  For all I know, McPherson was a pseudonym used by Fidel Castro in the 1940s to woo innocent, but patriotic American girls and inseminate them with his communist seed.  That’s right. Newt could be a Castro love child Manchurian communist candidate.  We really just don’t know, do we?

Despite all this, the Zombie Birthers want you to know they are not racists.  Even though they are a predominately white group who is openly trying to delegitimize the only black guy to be the president of the United States by forcing him to prove his American-ness in a way that they have not questioned with any other white guy who had the office, or any other white guy who might want to have the office.

They aren’t racists.  It just LOOKS that way.  And they want to eat my brain, because the only way I could believe this nonsense is if I didn’t have one.  What I need to know is how do you finally kill a zombie conspiracy theory?  If you have any ideas, please share them with me.  I fear this maybe the beginning of The Zombie Apocalypse we’ve all been waiting for.

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