It has finally happened. Alabama has been stricken by The Gaypocalpse.
It came like a Big Gay Storm in the night. The Gaypocalypse had arrived in Alabama. It began Monday morning when The Gays began emerging from their tastefully decorated love nests and showing up at county courthouses demanding marriage licenses and ceremonies. Throughout Alabama, roaming bands of loving couples began moving towards the very heart of their respective county’s government. Some walked hand-in-hand and some chose to take the traditional transportation of The Gays, a convertible.
They struck without mercy. They were polite, they were well-dressed, and they were getting married. It. Was. AWFUL. It was if they wanted to be treated like…EVERY OTHER AMERICAN. How dare they? Who do they think they are? NORMAL PEOPLE?
By mid-morning, the devastation of their onslaught could not be avoided. The landscape was covered in glitter for as far as the eye could see. Every corner of the sky was covered in rainbows. Lesbians roamed about the state in their sensible shoes taking control of all the home improvement stores from hapless straight people. Gay men went door-to-door, throwing innocent families from their homes and converting them into B&Bs.
The Indigo Girls and Streisand music was being played on every satellite channel and the TV stations would only broadcast the Ellen DeGeneres show and reruns of Will and Grace. Judges ran from their duty and license clerks hid under their desks. Heterosexuals were advised to stay in and duct tape their doors and windows closed to prevent any accidental breathing of Gay Air. While some churches merely surrendered and welcomed The Gays as if they were any other parishioner, other churches chose to barricade themselves in defense of the inevitable horde of Gays and Lesbians beating down their doors and demanding to be married and worship the Lord.
Heterosexual marriages began spontaneously bursting into flames sometime around lunch. And I hope Alabama enjoyed that lunch, because for now on it is going to be BRUNCH no matter *what* day of the week it is. As The Gays lined up to get married, The Straights lined up to get divorced. Straight husbands and wives were running like wild packs in the suburbs, frolicking in their Sudden Onset Gayness.
But the worst part was the children. THE CHILDREN! The poor children acted as if it was just any other day. Poor, poor children…they had no idea how afraid they were supposed to be. While it might seem natural to be judgmental about who other people should love and marry, children have to be taught that other people’s marriages are their business. In their innocence they thought it was just like any other day. But it wasn’t…for The Gaypocalypse had visited it’s fabulous horror on Alabama.
As the sun set on Alabama last night, the few remaining straight people began crossing over the bridges into Georgia. As they clung desperately to the last vestiges of their heterosexuality, they took heart in knowing that in the state of Georgia they could *still* not marry whoever they didn’t want to.
Just like God intended.
(A special thanks to Tom Ensey for his fabulous sense of humor and letting me jack his swagger just a little bit.)