She’s A Dot And I’m A Line: The Logic of Mrs. GrumbleButt

ADVISORY: This post was pre-approved by Mrs. Grumblebutt because I’m not, you know, AN IDIOT.

logicWhen you have been with someone over 20 years, something weird happens some time after you hit double digits. Real logic takes a holiday, and something surreal and mystifying takes it’s place. Mrs. GrumbleButt is a dot, and I am a line. That is the best way to sum things up. This video should enlighten you about this philosophy if you somehow missed it as a kid.

I will now illustrate the point further by giving you a few examples of Mrs. GrumbleButt’s logic. Logic that, quite frankly, completely befuddles me.

1. Mrs. GrumbleButt likes to wash the recycling before throwing it away. I mean beyond the normal rinsing to knock anything out that might stink while it waits in the bin. I mean I had to bring crap in from the yard so she could wash it in the tub so it could go BACK to the yard in the recycling bin. Mrs. GrumbleButt says, “They won’t take it unless it’s clean.” I’m pretty sure they take garbage however it comes, IT’S FUCKING GARBAGE.

2. When the canister for the vacuum cleaner is full, Mrs. GrumbleButt makes me empty it in the kitchen garbage instead of the outside can, which makes more sense to me. Mrs. GrumbleButt says, “It blows around and gets on everything.” You mean like THE REST OF THE DIRT IN THE YARD. To recap, Mrs. GrumbleButt thinks our inside dirt is too dirty to be outside dirt.

3. We have had a silent battle over the coffee pot going on for over a decade. It is a multi-pronged argument, but I will try and be brief with the fundamentals. First of all, Mrs. GrumbleButt refuses to use the coffee carafe to fill up the coffee maker. This sometimes results in overflow because she forgot to empty the old coffee out of the carafe before filling up the coffee maker with the pitcher. She claims it is the only way she can get the proper amount of water in the coffee maker (which she NEVER does) and she’s afraid of breaking the carafe if it is still hot from the last pot. I have tried to explain the science behind the metal strip that conducts heat away from the glass, thereby avoiding heat breaks, but Mrs. GrumbleButt finds all of that very suspect. Secondly, Mrs. GrumbleButt believes that keeping the coffee maker in a diagonal position on the counter somehow saves counter space and makes the carafe easier to remove. I say keeping the coffee pot at a right angle to the edge of the counter actually gives us more usable counter space and the coffee pot itself can be removed at any angle you want regardless of the position of the coffee maker. Mrs. GrumbleButt says anyone who puts “unnecessary” right angles in a garden can’t be trusted on these issues. I say we would have more counter space if there weren’t a pitcher sitting next to the coffee pot all the time. Meanwhile, every time each one of us goes to the coffee pot, we turn it to the position we prefer. We have silently been doing this for over ten years, each one of us KNOWING we are purposefully annoying the other with the re-position. People need to know this before they ever decide to fuck with either one of us about ANYTHING.

I love Mrs. GrumbleButt. I truly do. And the thing about these little things our spouses do that drive us a little crazy at times is that these differences are also at the root of what keeps two people interested in each other over a long period of time. Quite often she comes up with a point of view that I never would have seen in a million years if left to my own devices. And despite her dotness being a complete mystery to me, I can’t imagine the line in me ever amounting to anything without it.

So the next time your spouse does that stupid ass thing that makes no sense to you at all, the thing they can’t understand why YOU can’t see it as they do, just remember that sameness is terribly boring. Being able to laugh at yourself AND your spouse without fear of anger is one of the greatest gifts you can give each other. Peace and love yall.