Glow-In-The-Dark Human/Jellyfish Hybrids Not Welcome In Georgia; This Is Why We Can’t Have Anything Nice

Tom Kirby and a glow-in-the-dark hybrid. Can you tell the difference?

Tom Kirby and Dr. Manhattan. Can you tell the difference?

We have a lot of problems in Georgia. We have some of the highest unemployment in the nation, the highest rate of uninsured people, and a failing healthcare and education system. We can’t seem to get a transportation bill passed to address our crumbling infrastructure, either. But these all pale in comparison to the horror that is glow-in-the-dark human-jellyfish Hybrids.

Thank God, our General Assembly is focusing on this issue. I mean it is bad enough, these hybrids…but what if they want to do something like get gay-married? This is a scourge just waiting to be unleashed on our state.

HB 287 was introduced by Representative Tom Kirby (R-114th)  and it would make it illegal “for any person or entity to intentionally or knowingly create or attempt to create an in vitro hybrid human-animal embryo” in Georgia, or to “transfer an in vitro human embryo into the womb of a nonhuman or to transfer an in vitro nonhuman embryo into the womb of a human.” This does leave me a little concerned about the unintentional and unknowing attempts to create hybrids…I mean spills and accidents *do* happen

It seems that Representative Kirby’s nightmares(and perhaps his 5 co-sponsors too) are thickly populated by glow-in-the-dark human/jellyfish hybrids. He is *so* concerned about it that it was an issue in his recent campaign (which he naturally won by a landslide). Who on earth could possibly be in favor of glow-in-the-dark human/jellyfish hybrids?

My only question (well, maybe not my *only* question) is why only a misdemeanor? I mean this is B movie monster stuff, shouldn’t it at least be a felony? I also think if this guy were *really* serious, those convicted would have to serve their terms in Arkham or Azkaban.

And now it looks as though Representative Kirby is pretty darn mad that everyone is laughing at his bill and his concern that glow-in-the-dark humans are just around the corner. On the front page of his website, he has addressed a letter to his followers decrying the left-wing, “gotcha” media for reducing his bill down to preventing the mixing of human embryos with jellyfish DNA to create a glow-in-the-dark-human. Here is some of what he had to say on the home page of his website:

“I used the research from Cornell University in 2008, where a protein from a jellyfish was inserted into a human embryo to confirm this is possible.  The Cornell research was published in the scientific journal and there are several articles about it that are very easy to find.  Because the Cornell results indicated that after 3 days of cell division, all cells now glowed from the jellyfish protein, the media decided to run with the Glow in the dark story.  Once the Social Media and pseudo-media got a hold of it, they just kept building on each other’s stories.  The AJC sent a reporter to ask about HB 287.  She said they wanted to put the statement that non-human material could be mixed with a human embryo through their Politifact meter.  Giving her the easily verified Cornell results should have taken care of that.  However, for some reason they changed what they were checking.  Instead they checked a headline from one of the “entertainment” newspapers.  I can only assume they changed to something that fit their agenda better.”

This poor guy. He is trying to be all serious and everyone wants to talk about glow-in-the-dark humans. What a ridiculous assertion! No one was talking about glow-in-the-dark human/jellyfish hybrids. Where does the media get this stuff?

WELL…my first guess would be that they got it from Tom Kirby’s own website. The SAME website with the above admonition to the media. When you select the “2015 Issues” tab, this is what you will find:

“We in Georgia are taking the lead on this issue.  Human life at all stages is precious including as an embryo.  We need to get out in front of the science and technology, before it becomes something no one wants.  The mixing of Human Embryos with Jellyfish cells to create a glow in the dark human, we say not in Georgia.  This bill is about protecting Human life while maintaining good, valid research that does not destroy life.”

So what is the moral of this story? You can’t get mad at the media for saying crazy stuff about your crazy legislation when all they are doing is REPEATING THE CRAZY STUFF YOU SAID while you were trying to get elected by scaring the hell out of people.

And just for the record, I am PRO glow-in-the-dark humans human/jellyfish hybrids. It seems to me it would cut down on a lot of lurking in dark corners, lost children, and the need for glow sticks. Can I get some? SIGN ME UP! Let’s blend some jellyfish DNA right into me. Specifically, I would like to glow in the dark, and I would REALLY like to be able to sting people who annoy me. Not to hurt them or anything, but just so someone will have to pee on them to make it stop stinging.

If someone would let me know what colors are available, I’d like to place my order before this guy kills freedom.

Peace and Love, Yall

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